9 Sep 2011: Where you lead, I will follow.

losing a loved one. how does one cope with that?

having attended two funeral wakes within these past two months have shown me how scary cancer can be. but do you know what is scarier than cancer? losing your mother to it.

i cant even begin to imagine the pain of losing a mother. my mother and i... we're close. i mean, really close. i tell her everything. well, mostly everything. she knows the names of my friends. she knows what goes on in my life most of the time. she even knows when i'm having my period. in fact, i talk to her so much that she sometimes has to shut me up because she cannot hear what the people on TV are saying.

so we dont say "i love you", or hug and kiss each other. but that's just the way our family rolls. i used to stand on my bed and kiss my mother on the cheeks every night while she tucked my t-shirt in to prepare me for bed. i used to kiss her and say, "goodnight, mommy," before she tucked me in. but as i outgrew my bed, and outgrew my pjs, i outgrew the habit of kissing her on the cheeks too.

but that didnt change anything. i still say my goodnights. perhaps without the "mommy" at the back, and with a little punchline or two right before that. sure, i make fun of her once in a while...okay, more than once in a while. and of course, i sometimes play the extra mean card by watching the next episode of some korean drama without her(because she needs to sleep as much as she wants to watch it) and telling her that i am going to do that while she's lying on her bed, ready to go to sleep. and we're not exactly Lorelai and Rory (age gap and talking speed wise). but we're still really close. and i think the older i get, the closer we become as well.

a mother is a girl's best friend. i mean, there's also the daddy's-little-girl concept. but my mother is my best friend. and i cant begin to imagine how it would feel if i were to lose her. even at 23. even if i'm 33. or 43. or 53.

with all that said, we all know that life is unpredictable. death, on the other hand, sometimes is. even so, the pain of having to deal with it is still hard to bear. i just hope that the people who had to go through that would find that bit of strength in their lives to carry on. i really really do. i guess we really have to appreciate the people we love while they are still around.

and if my mother happens to come across this for some reason one day:
mommy, i love you. :)

also, i'm going to watch episode 27 so, HA-HA.