Tomorrow's gonna be my first day of work.
I'm so gonna screw up.
Please don't give me that," Nah u wont..." or "Sure can do it one lah" speeches.(I know u guys mean well) I just cannot take it that people will have confidence in me when i dont have it in myself.. so don't put ur hopes too high..
It's like the o level results which are coming out, in i presume, around 2 mnths time.. I don't know how i'm gonna fare in it... And i absolutely have no confidence at all in my results (altho i did feel that math was quite easy).. Because never once did any of my results satisfy me. Never once. Obviously, i wouldnt complain if i did badly because i didnt study. But it sux to recieve that sort of shit when i did study. And as much as i dare say that i didnt study hard enough for a lot of tests, I dare say that i did for many more. i really did. But look what turned out? My results in secondary school were never once good. It couldnt even be good. Boderline. Yea that's where my best ones go. Let's just take my prelims as an example. I swear i studied. But the end results were atrocious. That's y i have to go to work tmr. C? No institute can take me in with that kind of results.
I dont like telling people how much i fare for my exams, bad, or good. Naturally, who wants to tell the world that they've failed their exams? (Yes i do tell sometimes, but i'm not proud of it.) And then why, will i not tell everyone that i've done well for a certain test or exam(This is just me)? Because i have no confidence that i will do well for that particular subject in the next test! And i know that by telling people, people will think that i'm pretty good in that subject and i feel this huge load on me. I'm ordinary. Not smart. My PSLE is another good example. A disaster.
Why do i keep telling everyone that i will go to ITE or that i know that i will have to retake the exams? It's not because i'm fooling around, joking, and it's not because i know that i did the papers wrongly. Truth is, part of me thinks so, because i basically forgotten everything i did during Os in Nov, so i dont know if they were right, or wrong. And the other part of me feels so, because i've lost all confidence. "Hey! have some confidence i urself!" as u may say. And yes! sometimes, i feel all confident about doing well! But then the papers are being returned to us, and i look at it, and suddenly it feels like all that confidence is being washed away. Tsunami. It's like, why the hell is it like that? Didnt i feel that it was easy? or was it only a hallucination? That's basically why i dont put my hopes up for every important thing i take now. Cos i know that the higher the hopes, the bigger the disappointment.
Another reason for so, i come from a family where everyone's smart. Seriously smart. The Teo family's filled with intelligent people and i dont know why i'm not one of them. I mean, doesnt it run in the blood? There's bound to be a part of me that's smart eh? Why cant i find that part? I might be the black sheep of the family that'll bring down the Teo reputation. I'm sorry u guys. I know my parents always tell me not to feel any inferiorty complex. I don't. I try not to anyway. As mom and i discussed, everyone in the family has a certain position in the royal palace, and i'll be the one selling pig's organ soup outside the palace.(On a lighter note: I thought that was quite funny tho' lol)
So that's why i'm going to ITE or retake my exams. Please just let me say that. Join me if u want.. It's hard for me if u guys have too much confidence in me because i know it's hard to get what u want me to. I hate disappointments. Call me a coward for not daring to face up to reality or anything else if u like. But that's just what i'm like. I'm more comfortable that way. =)
I don't know how i got to all these negativity in the first place. Forgive me, for dampening your moods, dear people. But a blog is for u to write out how you're really feeling right? I'm new at this, and it's hard. But i'm trying. So... do i pass?
Ps: Not to worry, i'm still a lark after this entry. It's just something bottling in me for..12 yrs of my life i think.
Quote:"I'm tired of seeing me."-Ashton Kutcher
7 comments:
maybe you're not entirely unconfident of yourself by saying you'll result in having to enroll in ITE or having to retake the examinations. for one, i am 2000% sure you won't retake the exams. but that wouldn't have an impact on you i know. whether it's 1 million% or 100% sure, you'd be like yea whatever.
anyhow, point is, i think you're just aiming lower, so if you get it, you're fine. you get higher than it, you'll be satisfied, and there's no need to answer people about all the shit they shove you, such as probing of marks and all, cos i feel that way a lot of times too. (then you're gonna go, yeah yeah but you're a smartass.) i suck at languages have i told you that? lol, i think you deserve to die if you don't realise that. but i'm making an effort. reading a lot a lot, speaking more chinese (DUH)
i think your problem lies with the books you read for Eng, lack of practice in POA, or at least mostly you didn't get the lessons for most subjects. but you have to probe darling. i made my fair bit of debut in class, emerging from that toot-quiet nerd who keeps quiet, i'm a loud nerd! woohoo! *raises eyebrow* random. but really, probe. you could've asked me or anything. which i'm glad you did for chem :)
i think you'll be fine, really. at least you won't retake. you're shooting for an ITE, yes? i'm gonna bet you you'll do much better than that. if you end up in ITE i'll treat you to Hard Rock Cafe for a whole friggin meal. no loss on your part. kudos.
AND, finally. regarding the TEO family, don't worry bout it. i'm very sure it's crossed my bro's mind when he stayed on for another year in JC. "but it's JC" you might say. hell. when you're in a school, you only compare yourself to whatever goes on in that particular school. and not comparing it with other schools or other tertiary institutes or whatsoever. and fuck anyone who compares us cousins lah, really. i can't find a better word than fuck. :p this is gonna sound corny. people specialise in different areas. you might not have found yours yet, but you eventually will. and then you'll realise, hey it's not that bad afterall.
and whatever school you enter right now, you shouldn't give a shit about it. it doesn't decide which path you should take. you lead the path, hun. your future job, the one that pays you, that feeds you, is THE one that matters. it's the ONLY one that matters to. one that you like, one that keeps you alive. it's like, if you've come to TKGS, or NASS, you can still end up to be... a hotel manager, for eg.
as long as you have a plan in mind, preferably with a back-up, so you won't feel too hopeless no matter what happens, you'll be fine. or even if you don't, as kelly clarkson once said, "take one thing at a time, and everything'll be a piece of cake." wise men say.
*hugs* and anytime you need to talk, i'm here babe. i'm a loud nerd, remember? [P/S: ooh this is a long comment.]
holy toledo! this is one hell of a comment babe! wo3 zhi1 dao4 ni3 jue2 de2 zi4 ji3 de4 yu3 yan2 bu4 hao3,dan4 shi4 wo3 ye3 shi4. Lol.. Oh i just love the way u put that -toot- word to use. Thumbs up to that! And not to worry,I'm still that same weird cousin. lol. what can i say? "u see i waited all my life, for this moment to arrive... And finally....i..Believe" yea? maybe i will be singing that FOR the real meaning one day eh? thanks for the advice girl... But honestly, i do think that the pig's organ soup thingy is funny! LOL
you're retarded la. i'll be like xiao yan zi! princess dowager doesn't like me. HAHAHHAA. and to hell with palace rules. *hums* im a loud nerd. man i should do a blog www.loudnerd.blogspot.com hAHAHA
yea.. erm jiayou! have faith in you, but u also mux have faith in urself. otherwise no matter wad i say is futile.. lol annabelle gave such a looooonnnngggggg comment that i have nth to say le.
u not not useless, u have talent in arts u see.. not like me not talented in arts or studies. and hor... ur PSLE is much much higher than mine (compare compare i worser lo) even have to appeal to come nas..
i believe u can do it one! jux like u jux sang the song that AI sang jux now! haha alrite tk care ger~
YOU CAN DO IT!
annz: Lol i think u started breaking palace rules a long time ago... lol and i admit i somewhat helped u in it lol *guity as charged*
jean: u are talented in table tennis my dear.. and thanx for the FAITH..*sound from above*"Hallelujah!" :)
this is the encourage-one-another session. JEAN MOK! you cannot encourage people to have faith in themselves when you don't have faith in yourself! *thwap*
and paiseh lah typed so long then you got nothing much to say :p
and seige, DUH. without you, i wouldn't have ever strayed and go bad *stick out tongue* i'd be the most angelic person on earth (which i still am, but devilish side pops out occasionally). *hums*
hey without me, life will be a hell hole for u babe! lol yes. just call me, "The Saviour". What will life be for u if u havent strayed a little? living with grams... u'd be.. the little robot who will fear under,(teochew)"Wo4 ga4 xi4 peh3 da3." (lol hope u got that).. But now, u're..laughing at those words! And erm, what would life be for u, if u had bottled up all those feelings in you and the bad words u noe are shit, and stupid idiot? Lol with me, u get to vent ur frustrations with a wider range of vocab! lol! okay so ur bro did pitch in a little on the making fun and stuffs... but i take most credit! *beams*
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