Grandpa

for the first time in my life, i feel like i'm losing him. it never occurred to me, even when he suffered a stroke. because that was 4 or 5 years ago, and he's always been quite so normal. although he couldnt talk or walk anymore, he could still smile or frown to tell us if he's feeling okay. he used to grip my hand really tightly when i held his. he used to look at me and smile, as my mother re-introduced me to him to help him remember me. he always did. it might take a while, but he always did.

but yesterday, it disappeared. the regconisation. we went into his room and again, mom did the re-introduction thing. but this time, he just stared blankly at us, like we're some strangers. mom asked him if he regconised who we were, and he looked at us with his sunken eyes, and gave no reaction. i told mom that maybe he couldnt hear us, so she went to his ear, and asked again. no reaction. he just looked at us, and made no movement or facial expressions. mom said he probably did not regconise us anymore, and left the room. she's not showing it, but i know she's sad.

there i was, all alone in the room with him. for the first time, i really noticed how old he was. his face sunken, his eyes watery and shrunken, his arms and legs became so thin. he looked like one of the POWs. he's paralysed on the right side of his body, and he eats through a tube that goes through his nose. he laid on his bed with no expression, and when i held his hand, i couldnt feel any hard grip this time. he was looking at me, like i was some stranger holding his hand. i kept smiling at him and kept asking him if he knew me. no answer. he just kept looking at me. that was the first time i really felt connected to him. REALLY. for the other times, the age was just a number in my head that didnt bother me because he still seemed pretty strong. but this time, it felt that he was 95. and 95 IS old.

you might think that i'm bad, unfilial or cruel, but suddenly i feel that it'd be better for him, if...

he's suffering. u can see it. mom said it too. if he can walk, talk, or at least smile at me again, then there's no reason to. but he cant even say anything, not even a sound to complain to us. he cant get up to bathe or anything. the maid does everything. u can see that she's really tired too. i dont like the him suffering- in silence.

there's nothing i can say really,because i dont think he knows me anymore. but i love him. guess i'll just let nature take it's course.