from my heart to yours

dear you,

this evening, while i was walking to meet the others, i had a sick feeling in my stomach. i felt like i was going to throw up. i dont know why, but i just had it.

it's just... it hadnt quite hit me then. it felt like, the closer i got to your place, the more this seemed real. the more it became a reality. i never wanted it to be real. never. i still hope, wish, it's not. but it wasnt until i saw your photo...

it hit me. right smack at that moment. a picture, of you, my dear, dear friend.
it was real, wasnt it? this. this is real. is it?

i'm sorry i didnt look at you. yes, my parents said i shouldnt but it was mostly because i just didnt have the courage too. i dont know. it's just that, seeing you would mean that this has truly, really, happened. i couldnt bring myself to look at you. i am really, really, really sorry. but i couldnt do it. i still cant.

you know, a few times tonight, i actually imagined you sitting right amongst us, joining us in our conversations. it just felt like another thing that we attended together as a group. then we would leave together as a group, and talk about it on our way home.

but it just, i didnt think... it would be yours.
never.

tonight, plenty of our old classmates and friends came. but that wasnt my idea of our class gathering. not like that. it wasnt supposed to be like that.

there're certain things and images that i cant get out of my head right now. feels kind of empty, and kind of strange, but i think i'll be tough. i'll be strong. you'd want that, i know you do. if the idea of not wanting to depend on us and be independent led you to this, i'd rather you depended on us for your entire life. you know we love you. i know you know. i bet you loved us too.

so i have been addressing these entries to you.
because there's a part of me that, somehow, perhaps, just wishes that you would just leave me a comment right now.